Top 10 LEAST Wanted

September 22, 2008

This post is dedicated to my good friend, a surly man known simply as King Otto, who gets a huge kick out of me drinking the world’s shittiest beers and then writing about my experiences. Or maybe he just wants me dead, he is a sadist come to think of it.

The Vice Blog’s Top Ten Least Wanted Beers

This the absolute antithesis of my Top Ten Most Wanted list, the brews on the planet that I least want to try. Having said that, if you have read my world-famous Chelada post, you should realize that were someone to get any of these beers into my hands, there is no doubt I would drink and review them. After I have finished purging them from inside of me, natch.

I should note, I’ve always hated research and this is the first time I have ever done even more than cursory (read: none) research on a post. God, research sucks.

DIS-HONORABLE MENTION: Cool Colt

So it seems back in the early-1990s, National Brewing Company, the esteemed factory that pumps out Colt 45, thought it a swell idea to produce a minty flavored malt liquor, the thinking being that this would both get you drunk while negating the effects of stinky beer breath as it acted as mouth wash with each sip. Similar to the retched Absolute Vodka which can also be used as cologne. Predictably, Cool Colt was quickly discontinued, only living on via folk lore, and not even that widely as most of the people that once sampled this have been slain in drive-bys. I would love to  drink an “aged” bottle of this.

10. Kwispelbier beer for dogs

Made of beef extract and malt this “beer for your best friend” probably should not be consumed by humans. But I’m not scared of anything potable. And quite frankly I’d be surprised if it’s worse than Corona. If it is, then the ASPCA should be called because that would be animal cruelty.

9. Kelpie Seaweed Ale

Surprisingly, this Scottish beer is actually decently regarded. But much like autofellatio, I think drinking and enjoying a seaweed-brewed beer would be in the “hafta see it to believe it” category.

8. 9th Street Market and Cactus

No shitty beer list would be complete without an Anheuser-Busch selection and this would seem to be their worst idea save Chelada. I’m unclear whether this cactus-flavored beer is still on the market as I was unable to even google-image a single picture of it. Look here macro-breweries, why don’t you get your shit together with quality normal brews first before attempting something so adventurous. You macros are like nerds that refuse to hit on mediocre girls and decide to go straight for the models. Baby steps, Anheuser.

7. Molson Kick

This aluminum-bottled brew is Canada’s first-ever caffeinated beer with “essence of guarana” in it. Supposedly terrible, but then again, I am the kind of freak that actually likes Sparks.

6. Evil Eye Red

I truly hate when people on the internet write nothing more than “’nuff said” to justify something. No, it’s NOT enough said, please further elucidate to me why you think something is so delicious, something so awesome, some girl so hot, some movie so bad, some sports team so great. Having said that, Evil Eye Red is a kiwi-strawberry malt liquor that looks like Robitussin…uh yeah…’nuff said.

5. Wasabi Dry

Remember that first time you ever had sushi? You might have been 11-years-old or even a college freshman. And remember when you had no idea what wasabi was and just treated it like an American condiment, slathering it all over your California roll like ketchup on french fries or mayo on a turkey sandwich? And remember how you spent the next half-hour gagging, blood coming out of your eyes? You remember that? Well that’s how I reckon this wasabi-flavored malt liquor makes you feel with each sip.

4. Sprecher Mamma Mia! Pizza Beer

An idea surely conceived late one night while drinking beer #2 on my list, an actual pizza is literally tossed into the wort (see it being made in this snuff film right here), giving this brew notes of cheese, tomato, oregano, basil, and garlic. Yet Milwaukee-based Sprecher actually has the gall to say this ain’t no “pet rock” of beer.

(NOTE TO MY OK FRIENDS: The beer is currently being sold in individual 16-oz. bottles at Discount Liquor, 5301 W. Oklahoma Ave., Avenue Wine and Liquor, 4075 S. Howell Ave., and Oklahoma Liquor and Beer, 933 W. Oklahoma Ave., says Tom Miller, import brand manager of Beechwood Distributors.)

3. Sputnik

Like a movie prop from a crappy comedy. Unbelievable. I mean, how stereotypical is it that Russia makes a beer/vodka hybrid AND THEN names it Sputnik to boot? Gimme a break. Is this all you guys have to show for Glasnost?!

2. Cannabis Club Sud

This is another one that’s kind of hard to believe–a Deutschland beer aromaticized with hemp. Now, I’m not a pot-smoker at all, but in concept I could see this being halfway decent as hops aren’t that different from marijuana and, in fact, many hoppy, hoppy IPAs smell quite a bit like a big ol’ sack of weed. Oh, who am I kidding, this beer has got to be heinous. But I do love that Dr. Dre and Snoop “Chronic” bottle artwork.

1. Crazy Ed’s Cave Creek Chili Beer

Without question, the Holy Grail of shitty beers. The Westvleteren 12 of foul brews. If there was a devil-worshipping Trappist monastery, they would no doubt produce this liquid garbage. A beer with literally a chili inside the bottle like some formaldehyde-preserved artifact, Beer Advocate reviewers (un)lucky enough to consume this have offered such Zagat-style gems as: it appears to be a “gag beer,” the chili looks like “a fucking turd with a tail,” “the king of suck,” “strong urine tones,” and “the chili came out of the bottle into my beer almost like the bottle was dropping the kids off at the pool.”

Any VB fan dare to order me a sixer?

Now I want to hear from YOU. What are the worst beers you’ve ever discovered?

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