8.5% ABV from a bomber
Today brought the news that a wealthy and apparently eccentric man from Alabama is offering to pay $50,000 per for Jewish families to move down to his shitty unpopulated mega-Christian town. I guess he needs some like-minded buddies. The relocated Jews will have to agree to a five-year stint in the Heart of Dixie during which they have to actually act as committed Hebrews, attending shul, wearing yarmulkes, hanging mezuzahs, and…I guess eating corned beef sandwiches and quoting Woody Allen movies. Who knows?
$50,000?! Shit, I wouldn’t move to the Upper East Side for a lowly $50K. And to shlep to middle-of-nowhere-Alabama I’d have to be paid a least $10 million lump up-front. Probably more.
You think I’m kidding? I have certain needs. People often wonder why a human would put up with all the bullshit, all the chaos, all the dismay, stress, crampedness, filth, and overwhelming expenses to live in New York. They oddly think, “Does he like museums and Broadway theater and Lincoln Center ballets and operas that much?!” Of course not. Actually, I’m not even that big on culture. “Culture” meaning stuff that hasn’t been truly relevant and exciting since “A Tale of Two Cities” was on the new release rack at Ye Olde Barnes & Noble.
My reasons for living in the Moneymaker are far more pedestrian and mundane. Here are all of them, in decreasing importance though they are all crucial factors to me.
1. Public transportation — I fucking hate driving. I like to walk wherever I can and in fact do so for any journey under thirty blocks north/south or any distance cross-town. Above that, I love to use public transportation. I abhor sitting in traffic jams listening to shitty classic rock stations while wasting my life away. With public transportation, while some high school drop-out on potent union wages does the “driving,” I’m able to read, write, do crosswords, sleep, or just ogle hot women, which brings us to…
2. Hot single women and plenty of ’em — Self-explanatory. Besides the fact that most cities have ugly women, most of them are married-by-24 with several-kids-by-28. No thank you. I could handle dealing with having to try and pick up potentially cuckolding wives due to a lack of sexy singles, but not when they’re all so fat and ugly.
3. Terrific food — We all know New York is the best dining city in the world, but it’s not like I can afford to eat at per se, Gordon Ramsey at The London, and Alain Ducasse every night. Or ever. No, in my opinion, New York is also the best city for cheap eats. From $4 Halal “street meat” platters to of course pizza and bagels to mind-blowing cuisines from more countries than are even in the worthless U.N. You can eat better for cheap here than you can eat for a gorgeous penny in most other American cities.
4. Bars open all hours of the night — I hate to temper the hero worship, but you may be surprised to know that the Vice Blogger doesn’t stay out til dawn four times a week like he used to when he was a young lad. In fact, he’s lucky to do that once a month these days. But he still likes to have the option. Nothing worse than being in a subpar city drinking subpar beers at a subpar bar when at 1:30 the lights go high and the bouncers start yelling, “Get the fuck outta here! LEAVE!!!” It’s ridiculous. The difference between cities that stay open til 2:00 and ones that stay open til 3:00 are immense. That is such a crucial hour. And New York stays open many hours more. Plenty of time to get in trouble.
5. Movies — Being a film buff, if not a full-fledged cinema geek, I need to know that every single movie that is made and put into theaters will screen in my city. And, not only that, screen in my city on the absolute first day of its release. It was murder when I lived in places such as Oklahoma and Syracuse and had to wait months upon months for more obscure pictures to make it to my city — if ever.
6. Pro sports — I couldn’t live in a town that doesn’t have an MLB, NFL, and NBA team. It doesn’t hurt if there’s easy access to college football and basketball watching too.
7. Access to obscure beers
With the exception of just a few American breweries (Russian River, Lost Abbey, Three Floyds, Founders, etc), pretty much every other breweries’ beers are stocked in full in New York. I hear about a great beer and I basically just need to leave my house and walk five blocks to find it.
And my supermarket across the street, which isn’t even particularly great, sells stuff such as Delirium Nocturnum. You think the fucking supermarket in Dothan, Alabama has Delirium? You think they even have Bud Light Lime?! Doubtful.
Delirium has a great, borderline offensive name to the PC crowd–delirium tremens of course referring to the severe manifestation of alcohol withdrawal which causes symptoms such as tremors, insomnia, nausea, hallucinations, confusion, and “the shakes”–and absolutely iconic bottle labels, the pink elephant logo a harbinger that you’re about to get done fucked up good.
Nocturnum has a great dark chocolate pour with a nice slightly medicinal alcohol smell. Tastes of cranberry and fig, perhaps some apple and caramels. Nice spiciness with some balanced yeast. Goes down easy. Not mind-blowing or exactly sui generis, but a good beer that’s well-crafted and incredibly drinkable.
A great way to spend an evening in the greatest city in the world.
Thanks for the offer Mr. Blumberg, but I’m staying put in my beloved Manhattan. Your state’s beer laws are retarded.
Don’t you see the rest of the country looks upon New York like we’re left-wing, communist, Jewish, homosexual pornographers? I think of us that way sometimes and I live here. –Alvy Singer “Annie Hall”