Trader José Premium Lager

ABV unlisted and unknown but I would guess that it lies somewhere slightly higher than Poland Springs and slightly lower than Dasani

They say imitation is the highest form of flattery but when you’re imitating (read: rippin’ off) the worst beer on planet earth then you’re just acting fucking stupid and your company’s shareholders should question whether you are intentionally trying to tank share prices. I kinda hate Trader Joe’s so I typically avoid it but I had been intrigued upon recently learning that they had their own line of “premium” beers. I was especially excited when my friend told me he had picked up a sixer of Trader José, Trader Joe’s is-it-racistly-named-or-not Mexican beer. (Have you had their Trader Joseph Goldberg Passover table wine? Delish!)

I needed some more F’s on my blog so I asked my buddy to save me a bottle. I had to see if Trader José was truly as offensive as Corona. I mean, surely it couldn’t be. Even if they tried to nail the recipe exactly, surely Trader Joe’s would fuck up ever so slightly and inadvertently create a better beer. I popped the bottle in a standard manner, with a wrist snap at waist level which put the bottle opening some two-and-a-half feet or so from my nose. Nevertheless, the second I took the cap off my face was hit with such a explosion of skunky and repellent stench that my neck snapped back like I was in a head-on collision. Oh, don’t worry, I have one of those foamy neckbraces on now and I’ve got a great personal injury lawyer filing a whiplash claim on my behalf.

I should probably hire another lawyer to file a claim that this swill is less safely potable than Tijuana tap water. The taste is despicable. The taste is actually more offensive than the beer’s name. Only marginally better than Corona because I can actually detect a flavor or two within this mess of a beer. I had to brush my teeth after finishing this one. Never again.

F

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