4.7% ABV on draught
Attended a weekday happy hour event where all tap beers were just three bucks. Unfortunately, the limited draft beer menu chalked onto the wall looked something like this:
Ugh. It was as if the owner of the bar was a faithful reader of my blog and had created his beer menu by simply putting all my D- and F-rated beers on tap. What a despicable array. There was obviously only one beer I could possibly order, but I needed to know what it was. As most all people know, Hefeweizen is not a brand of beer, but rather a style. It was almost as if the beer menu looked like this:
I had to inquire with the bartender. I called the dunderhead over.
Aaron: “Hey, what’s the hefeweizen?”
Doofus: “It’s like, uh, a German wheat beer.”
Aaron: “Yes (dipshit), I know, but what kind is it?”
He must have thought I just couldn’t hear him over top the cackling hens seated near me cause he simply repeated what he said just a little bit louder.
Doofus: “IT’S A GERMAN WHEAT BEER!”
Fine. I ordered it. I was upset that I would inevitably have to walk my fat ass all the way across the length of the bar, tell some finance poseurs to part for this Jew like they were the Red Sea as I learned between them to ogle the tap, then nerdily scribbled the name down on a cocktail napkin. Yeah, not the coolest move when you’re at a bar and hoping women will find you dashing.
However, I was excited that I was going to get to sample a beer without knowing what it was. I thus couldn’t be bigoted. I don’t try to be biased when I review beers but much like even if Scorsese puts out a stinker people are gonna give him decent marks, sometimes if you drink a bad beer from an esteemed brewery you can’t help but overrate it. I had no idea whether this beer was coming from the finest German brewery in the world or from some basement beermaker from the Bronx.
This mystery hefeweizen was solid. Refreshing. Though I had just walked 50 blocks to get to the bar, so I would have been happy to have a Gatorade on tap. This hefe ain’t too complex, not too lemony either (that’s a good thing). It could use some more maltiness and bite, it’s pretty low in alcohol, but then again most hefes are. Also, it’s a little salty. It could use some more spice, but not salt that’s for sure. I enjoyed this beer less and less between my first sip and my last. Sour finish with not the greatest aftertaste. It’s like an American macrobrewery’s version of a hefe. Not much else to say.
Once I was finished, a second bartender, looking a tad brighter than the first but still not exactly like a MENSA candidate, came over for my next round.
THE “HONOR” STUDENT: Ya’ want another?
AARON: Sure, but what is it?
THE “HONOR” STUDENT: It’s a hefeweizen. Like a German wheat beer.
AARON: CHRIST. I know. But what fucking brand is it?!
The bartender actually walked the length of the bar, eyed the tap handle like it was written in Sanskrit and then returned to me.
THE “HONOR” STUDENT: Uh…it says like Whyd-marr brothers or something. Vid-mer maybe? Vide-mar?
That was enough. I knew what he was talking about. I ordered something else.