Heineken Lager

5% ABV

This beer doesn’t even merit being poured into a glass. It probably doesn’t even merit coming in a glass bottle. It should come in a cheap plastic one like they give you at Yankee Stadium so when you get drunk you don’t start hurling dangerous projectiles at Jason Giambi after yet another golden sombrero.

My ladyfriend’s ex-boyfriend-who-she-inexplicably-still-talks-to left several Heinekens in her fridge after they had a Sunday playdate. I had nothing else to drink that night so I went with this terrible dreck. Heineken used to be “my” beer back when I was a 19- to 21-year-old dumbass. I thought I was classier for drinking it, more sophisticated than my buddies who sipped on Milwaukee’s Best. Nope, I was just a fucking tool. Only tools drink this beer. And Puerto Ricans.

It smells terrible, it tastes even worse. It burns my throat going down. At least the label is pretty cool but I hate drinking from the short stubby bottles it comes in.

Make no mistake, sportsfans, despite the European pedigree, despite the fact that Heineken appears for $6 in the “import” section of beer lists, this is one heinous beer (coincidence that heinous and Heineken start the same?). As bad as any American macro. And, when the price is considered, it’s arguably worse.


(F – if other factors such as price and “Europeanness” are considered)


2 Responses to Heineken Lager

  1. Phatty says:

    WTF??? Puerto Ricans drink this beer???

    You racist twit, there are plenty puerto ricans out there that will drink that swill, including me.

    I just think its pretty fucking outrageous to put that label on. What, shoud l I say white pricks such as yourself only drink westmalle, orval, westy’s and RIMPs???

    And some suggestions – keep you reviews to less than 6 pages, maybe people will read them more (same goes for your BA reviews).

  2. Aaron Goldfarb says:

    Lighten up, Phatty.

    I’m pretty sure that wasn’t a racist comment, just an anecdotal observation. And since you admit to being a Puerto Rican–and one that drinks this swill at that–well, I guess my observation gets just a little more fortified. If you’re so concerned about accuracy, I’ll note that white banking douchebags drink this positively shitty beer a lot too.

    And yes, I am a white prick and indeed I drink those things you mentioned. You should too. You’d like them.

    Thanks for visiting the Vice Blog. Please come again. I’m sorry my reviews are longer than what you usually read, maybe you shouldn’t have branched out from pop-up books.

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