Here is an example of a beer review I found on BeerAdvocate.com:
It pours a clear and fairly carbonated ruddy coppery amber. A finger of pithy beige head sinks to rounded hillocks of froth. Rolls of lacing coast along the inside of the glass.
In the aroma, toasted malt is sugar sweet with caramel and dried fruit. Toffee and vanilla join a muted citrus hop note. A mild swirl of dough is warmed by a puff of alcohol.
Upon sipping, roasty malt is initially rock candy sweet and dusted with caramel, raisin, and dark cherry. Creamy vanilla rounded doughy esters slide alongside a cozy warm cusp of alcohol. Baked biscuit is earthy and residual malt sugars preside but are soon dried by a mix of floral and citrus zest bitter hop influences. The finish is crisp but mellow. The hops assert late, but in the end they help complete a nice profile.
Full bodied, it has a sinewy, slick feel that lays fairly sweet and silky on the palate.
The aroma is a touch light and the hops take their time in the flavor, but the result is a homey, tasty barleywine that takes on a little British character. It goes down easily and the covert but husky ABV presents nary a hitch.
I posted this to show the EXACT OPPOSITE of how I will review beer and other vices. I will never have a critique like that for two reasons:
1. I don’t have that skilled and sophisticated of palate.
2. I’m not a fucking asshole.
My reviews will be written in real time, using words regular people use, often penned while I am in fact drunk. Hope you enjoy.